Going through the big D and I don't mean Dallas.....

Yes it's a corny title, especially given the enormity of the actual situation, but I'm going with it. So it's now been 10 months. 10 LONG months, since Alan and I have "separated", and yet live under the same roof, still share the same bed. It's been rough, and not a fun experience for any of us, in the least. I have filed for divorce. April 19th is our court date, our 3rd one actually because the first 2 got rescheduled. Even though I am the one who asked for this, I am the one filing, and in essence I am the one dissolving this marriage, it doesn't make it any easier or less heartbreaking. I think it's easy for people to assume that the one walking away, the one ending it, has it easier somehow. I haven't found this to be the case at all. I think I'm just the one who is doing what needs to be done, the one who realizes that this is a terribly unhealthy and unhappy place for us, and that something must be done. I am heartbroken though. This is not what I wanted. I didn't get married thinking that it would end like this. I fully believe in the institution of marriage, I wanted to be married forever. I don't want to be a 34 year old divorced mother of 3. This is not what I want, but sometimes life doesn't happen the way that you want it to. I'm trying to accept that, and learn from that, and make peace with it and move on. I'm not looking for advice, or validation, or anything really, except to be heard. Sometimes it's just nice knowing that you are heard, even if it can't be understood. I'm not looking for someone to try to help fix this. I don't think it can be fixed. We've been in this same spot really, for at least the last 6 years. We've been through marriage counseling. In fact, the therapist who had been seeing us for quite some time, told me her professional opinion was for me to walk away. She didn't think it would get better, that it was unhealthy and toxic and she had watched us try and try and we got no where. I'm not using that as validation or an excuse, or as an "easy way out". I'm not placing blame, I'm not "playing the victim" and pointing fingers. We both are unhealthy, and together we are toxic. I accept my responsibility in the demise of our marriage, I am not perfect, I am flawed. But I also refuse to accept sole responsibility for it as well. Alan and I don't see much of anything eye to eye. We have totally different views on life, love, family, money, sex... you name it, we see the world in a totally different light. I can't see his way, he can't see mine. I'm never going to be the woman he wants and needs me to be. I'm not able to love and care for him in the ways he needs it, or else I could have figured this out over the last 13 years. I don't think he will ever be the man I need him to be. In order for this to work, one of us would have to become a completely different person, and that's not fair to either of us. Both of us deserve to be loved for who we are, and not change and become someone else to make the other person happy. I also just don't have it in me any longer to ride the Bipolar roller coaster. It is exhausting, and sometimes frightening. Maybe that seems weak. It is supposed to be "in sickness and in health". I know Alan didn't ask to have Bipolar, and he does what he is supposed to do, he takes his medication, he goes to his weekly therapy sessions. I know he's doing what he can. I just can't do it anymore though, I'm not built to function this way, I'm not emotionally strong enough to weather out the storms time and time again. And it's hard answering Starla's questions about it all. When is daddy moving out? Will I still get to see him? It's hard. I didn't want this for her, or for the boys, or for any of us. I didn't take this decision lightly, it's been agonized over. We have literally been having the same fights, about the same things, for years and years, and it's not getting better. And the last 10 months have been hell on all of us. We have been stuck in this stagnant, terrible place for 10 long months. Which is why I filed for divorce, we need peace, we need healing, we need to move on and away from this awful place. Some days I am fine, some days I am a mess. I am starting this blog, as a a way to journal though this whole experience, as a way to reflect, for introspection, to start healing and to figure it all out. To be real and raw and honest. And to allow my friends and family into it all if they want. The thing is, I am a pretty private person. I have a hard time sharing how I feel, a hard time letting people in. This is one of my major flaws and one of Alan's biggest complaints, one of the biggest ways I have hurt our relationship. I am trying to fix that about me. But that's a whole other blog post.... But for now, this is where we are.